If You Live Together, She’s Still Got Access to Your Stuff

Video Transcribed:  You’re breaking up, and she’s moved into the bedroom, you’ve moved onto the couch. What kind of pitfalls can you be facing? Well, let’s talk about that.

My name is Brian L. Jackson. I am an attorney for father’s rights with Dads.Law, and today we’re going to talk about cohabitating with the ex. There are situations where that’s actually not as horrible an idea as it might sound, although there are some pitfalls to be aware of.

If you and the ex and soon-to-be-ex are not seriously feuding and you’re able to at least deal with each other in a semi-professional manner, then living in the marital home together could be advantageous in the short term for a couple of reasons.

One is financial. Obviously, it costs a hell of a lot less to maintain one household than two, and that could very well avoid you getting ordered to pay alimony or getting ordered to pay her attorney’s fees. That’s one thing.

Another thing is if you’re talking child custody in Tulsa, it is advantageous to have the children in your custody going into temporary orders because it gives you an opportunity to establish a status quo for the court to uphold.

If you’ve been living with the kids all along and she decides later she wants to move out and take the kids with her or wants to boot you out of the house and take the kids with her, she’s going to have to demonstrate to the court why that needs to be done. Why are we disrupting the status quo for this child or these children?

So there are some advantages to that, but there’s also a number of pitfalls. First and foremost, if you do have a massive blowout with her, you run the risk of her trying to use that to get a protective order, trying to use that to get you arrested for domestic violence. Those are potential problems.

Another potential problem, too, if you live together, she’s still got access to your stuff. Now, if you are retaining counsel and you have any kind of written correspondence or other documents between you and your attorney, you live in the same house, she might get access to those, which could be potentially problematic if you’re discussing something in confidence with your lawyer.

So if you are going to live in the same household as her, there are some precautions you want to take in that regard, a big one being doesn’t have sensitive documents around which she can get ahold of them.

If you have a computer, well, make sure you have a good password on it, but I’m going to tell you Windows Security sucks so I would suggest making good use of encryption. And although I’m not a computer expert, I would say get with someone who knows enough about what they’re talking about to steer you towards a decent encryption suite and use it.

Then, obviously, don’t defeat that by writing your password down and leaving it somewhere where she can get a hold of it. This is a potential problem. I’ve seen it happen to people where they have stuff on their computer that’s supposedly private and the ex gets into the computer and combs through their email or combs through their files to dig up dirt. It does happen so that’s something to be aware of.

If you’re cohabitating together, make sure that you keep that shit locked up. If it’s something that’s really sensitive, you might consider getting a bank box in your name only, and go put that stuff there. She may be able to get access to the contents if she gets a court order. But if she’s going to go to get a court order for some kind of written correspondence between you and your lawyer that’s protected by privilege. Chances are the court is not going to let her get into that anyway so those are some precautions to take.

Obviously, if you’re not getting along, if the arguments are getting really bad, leave, or make her leave. It is not a good idea to cohabitate if you guys are getting into explosive arguments because that’s a really good opportunity for something bad to happen.

Also, if you’re dealing with a situation where there’s been adultery or where there’s been any kind of disloyalty between the parties, where there’s the potential for a serious temper flare, it’s probably a good idea not to be there.

Obviously, if you are out dating or she’s out dating, you’re going to have to agree to the idea that the significant others are not coming back to the house, period. You know the old cliched saying, “Get a room?” Well, seriously, get a damn room if you’re going to do that because it is not a good idea to bring that person back to the house you’re sharing with your ex. I don’t care if it is over. That’s a stupid idea so don’t do it.

If she’s going to do that, then I would suggest that you leave, at least while she’s got the SO there. It’s not worth getting in a fight with somebody over that, and you never know what kind of dumbbell she might’ve got with who wants to white knight for her.

You know what I’m talking about because you know she’s going to tell him everything’s your fault, you’re being a jerk, she’s the victim, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and there are guys out there that would love to go play Lancelot for women like that, prove what a great guy there is by trying to take matters into their own hands using physical violence. Don’t let that be you.

If you absolutely can’t keep that person out of the house, then you be out of the house while they’re around, at least so that you’re not looking down the barrel of a potential safety hazard or getting arrested. It’s not worth it, man.

So those are some precautions to take and things to be aware of if you are going to live with the ex during the pendency of your divorce. I think if things get contested in court, it’s time to move out really or get her to move out, whatever you can.

I would propose getting your attorney to go get a temporary order and boot her. That would be my proposition. But if you have to leave, it’s better to leave than risk getting arrested, risk getting a protective order, risk getting in a fight with some random dude. It’s not worth it.

So if you have a situation where you’re living with the ex and you’re having problems, or even if you’re not, go to Dads.Law.