Be the Adult in the Room

Video Transcribed:  How do you communicate with the ex who is just completely obnoxious? My name is Brian L. Jackson. I am a Tulsa dads rights attorney here with Dads.Law, where fathers are not disposable. And I want to talk to you today about communicating with the obnoxious ex.

All right, so she’s a bitch. You know, that’s why you cut her loose, or maybe she cut you loose. So you’re not with her anymore, but you got a kid with her, so you still got to deal with her. So how do you deal with this person who’s just obnoxious and is constantly trying to pick a fight?

I would say the first and most important thing is to be the adult in the room. Now, what I mean by that is it’s really tempting when somebody’s just being an asshole to respond in kind. You know, to get nasty back. You know she swears at you. You swear back at her. At the moment, it may feel satisfying.

I’m going to tell you right now, that’s the kind of thing that winds up being exhibit one in a custody case. You know, is that one text message where you’ve just finally had it. Because you know what she’ll do? She’ll save it. And she’ll give that to her lawyer out of context, who will try to bring it into court, out of context, to screw you.

And you know, it’s probably a coin toss, whether or not they’re able to get it in. So, you know, don’t be that guy. That would be what I would suggest. Don’t be that guy. Be the adult in the room.

I know it’s frustrating as hell, especially when it feels like she’s getting away with that behavior, and you have to be the adult. And to some extent, you are dealing with a double standard in courts sometimes where women can get by with behavior that men will not.

However, I will tell you for Tulsa County, our judges are pretty intolerant of bad behavior on both sides, and they don’t have a problem chewing somebody’s ass. If it becomes enough of a problem, what you can do about it if you have an open custody case, talk to your lawyer about getting a Judicial Order of Parental Conduct. That specifically prohibits that behavior. And then, if she continues it after that, she’s in contempt of court.

If you don’t have one of those, even if you have a final custody order, it wouldn’t be a hard thing to get that entered. Most judges like entering those, so you can get it done fairly easily. And again, it makes it contempt of court if she’s being an asshole.

Something else I can suggest to you, this doesn’t necessarily mean she won’t behave like an asshole anyway, but if she’s doing it, at least she knows she’s on the record. Make sure you preserve a record. You know, use text messages or a parenting app, or at the very least, if you’re going to talk verbally, record the call. And we’re a one-party consent state.

And let her know that’s what you’re doing because she might be more inclined to bite her tongue if she knows it’s on the record, particularly if she’s been around the block with the family court system before. Then she’s going to understand that that stuff can come in, and it can make her look bad. So that might help some to curb her bad behavior. But if it doesn’t, at least it gives you evidence of her bad behavior that you can use later, if you have to.

I think the other thing to remember, that this is kind of more of an internal thing than any kind of legal advice. When someone acts like an asshole, it’s more of a comment on their personality than it is on anything you’re doing. So try not to take it too personally. It’s just like, is it obnoxious? Yeah. But you know what?

That’s a comment on her. She’s being a bitch. Okay. You know. You deal with her in as business-like a fashion as you can. If she gets really uncooperative, you have options available, such as a Motion to Modify in Oklahoma or get a Judicial Order of Parental Conduct or get the court to order her to cooperate with you if she’s withholding information.

But if it’s just obnoxious behavior, you know, swearing at you, insulting you, things like that, to some extent, my suggestion is, just remember that comments more on her than it does on you. If you’re being an adult and she’s still acting like an ass, what does that say about her? She’s an ass. So that’s why you’re not with her anymore.

And guys, if you are dealing with this situation, there are some options available to you. And we can talk about that. You need a good father’s rights lawyer. Go to Dads.Law, where fathers are not disposable. We’ll help you out.